I’m sitting on the edge of my bed in my bathing suit. I have decided to wear it all day in the hopes I would gather the nerve to go to the pool in it. I’m dealing with a particularly rough concoction of thoughts fueling my anxiety today. I want to swim. I have always loved swimming, the water, the feeling of my body moving in every way that it cannot on land but, getting to the pool is the issue.
I can walk there—that’s no problem. I fear who I might encounter once I get to the pool. Will they stare? Ask me invasive questions? Comment on my scars? Will they move my crutches from the side of the steps and then leave me stranded when I’m ready to leave? Will they spend the entire time cooing and telling me “what a special girl” I am? Will they film me and turn me into inspiration porn to “motivate” another disabled person whose ableism-induced anxieties they’re ignoring.
I would like to say that my years as an activist and advocate has given me the right methods for dealing with the anxiety of possible ableism, but it hasn’t. For days I won’t leave my home for fear that I will be ostracized and othered for my body. And, as someone who is a disabled black woman, I often cannot differentiate the many “isms” I am experiencing at the moment. I can only feel I am not welcome, the sense that my presence is a burden or see that someone has already written me off.
We think of bigotry as loud, in our faces and confronting, but often it is the quietness of it all that frightens me most. It makes me questions the thoughts and views of people who may not think about me in those marginalizing ways at all. It forces me to keep people at arm’s length fearing the moment when they might show me what they really think of me or use me to show what a good person they are—for the moment when their actions are too saccharine towards me to be real.
What’s worse is that far too often what we think people are thinking about us becomes the way we begin to think about ourselves. What if I really am a burden? What if I make people’s lives harder when I’m around and request help or accommodations?
It becomes harder and harder to dismiss these thoughts because too often, society confirms to us that this is really how we are thought of by governments, entertainment and the people we encounter on the street—or at pools.
The thoughts that haunt us are not unfounded, but I’m also tired of them ruling my life.
For me, exercise brings me the most anxiety because it is inevitable that a complete stranger will comment on my body, how it moves, how it doesn’t, how brave I am to display it in public. My family would tell me that I needed to exercise regardless of how many people are staring or what they have to say, but when ableism is your every day, willingly subjecting yourself to an environment where that is probable is easier said.
I don’t have a solution, but I went to the pool in the bathing suit I had been wearing all day. I made sure to look around to brace myself for the people I may be encountering. No one was there.
I had spent the day terrified of what turned out to be an empty room. But, even as I type this, the thought occurs to me that just because the ableism-related anxiety I experienced that day was for nothing, does not make the ableism I experienced and fear experiencing constantly is any less real.
i guess i didnt think about it but this is exactly how i feel every time i have to leave the house. i am terrified of this kind of stuff happening because it has happened so frequently. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this feeling too. I try to bring it up to my therapist but i dont know if she really understands when you have something visibly different about you, it really opens up for a lot of public abuse and shaming….its hard to overcome anxiety for something that really happens quite often in your life…
I am sorry you have to deal with our failure to make the world accessible and safe. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I wish you much love.
I needed this article. I have in the past used people with disabilities to be inspiration. It stops as of now. Thank you for making me aware of this. I’m better for it.
Me too. Now that I know, I will work toward thinking and acting differently from before.
I’m right there with you – thanks for putting this feeling into words.
Thank you for writing this. As a blind person, I struggle with many of the same anxieties. It helps to know other people with disabilities understand. I commend you for going to the pool. I’m glad you had a good experience.
This is so incredibly relatable. It’s basically my entire life: every vacation, party, friend outing, work lunch, etc, in a nutshell. Thanks for giving me something to relate to- it helps me feel just a little less alone.
Well said. Although I’ve managed to overcome my aversion to pool ableism, I still hide at home often because I don’t want to experience patronizing attitudes, odd questions, feeling like a burden. Other times I say whatever and just do it.
Thanks for writing this inspirational message.
Yes dear, I agree with you. Kindly don’t consider yourself a burden. You are a beautiful soul and can reach and achieve what you want in life. Needing physical assistance doesn’t mean a burden. I am sorry that your helpers make you feel so!
I read your entry here about ableism . It is interesting that you say a lot about ‘what people are thinking” , and that appears to worry you lots. I can speak only for myself but if I ever get to the point that ‘what other people think” bothers me, I will remind myself that we, as human beings, really can not control what other people think . Everyone’s thoughts are their own. And, smiles, I really glad that I can’t know what other people think because that’s a heck of a lot of thoughts in a day. Imagine if you were in a place with a hundred people and you really could ‘know’ what each one was thinking? Wow.. Anyways, guess I got sidetracked there , smiles. I guess, I just mean to say that there’s a great book for that kind of ‘problem’. The name of the book is “What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business” . I think that I read it decades ago, and I’ll always remember the name of it , at the very least. Peace. artfromperry
Oh , sorry, for the record, and I’m not joking. I don’t know what “ableism” is.
You are not alone. I suffer from a degenerative lower back disease that can pinch a nerve and make me look like an out of water fish causing me to go to the ground in pain. The pain passes and I get up, brush myself off and continue on. The thoughts are normal. Don’t think they aren’t. But there are more people (like me) who will stand and defend you against any harsh words from others. God brought you to it and he will bring you through it. Maybe to teach others about it. Don’t look at it from a perspective of guilt, but one of teaching. Go do whatever you want to because I know there are more good people than bad. Throw aside these thoughts and just do it. I say this with an open heart and nothing but the best intentions. Looking forward to seeing more posts. ((See, I learned. Others can too))